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How to grow your own tomatoes where I grew up, in Yorkshire:

  1. Hahahahaha give up now.

How to grow your own tomatoes where I live now, in Wollongong:

  1. Feed tomatoes to your guinea pigs.

  2. Clean the guinea pigs' old bedding in the garden.

  3. Wait for tomato seeds from the bedding to grow into this:

http://non-human.people.xeny.net/small/Other%20Wild%20Animals/2014-07-31%20self-seeded%20tomatoes.jpg